I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Randomize
