Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
