I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
