census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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