just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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