I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
