I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
