I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
We don't watch enough power rangers
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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