just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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