I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
