I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Actions speak louder than pants.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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