take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
