areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
