explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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