Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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