I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
