I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Randomize
