Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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