you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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