i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
