I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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