hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
