I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
