I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
