FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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