i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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