I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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