note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
