my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
