everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
