he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
there is glitter all over my balls
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
