I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
