do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
