and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
