I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
