id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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