i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
