so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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