It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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