Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
