Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
