If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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