now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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