got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
