wrigley field is MILF paradise
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
