You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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