I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
