Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
