Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
