She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
